Saying Goodbye, or, The Sappy Post

I didn’t want it to come to this, but here’s what it’s come to: my days here, while they have always been numbered, are drawing to a close. I fly out of Belfast on Friday. This morning I woke up to the familiar view of my ugly hotel curtains and closed wardrobe, and while it’s a boring view, I realized I would kind of miss it. I’ll miss the sounds I hear out my window: birds chirping, cars driving past occasionally, bits of conversation as students walk by. From my window, I have a beautiful view of the wind turbine on campus and the lovely green hills beyond campus. I’ll miss that view.

A sunset view from my window

I honestly didn’t think I’d have such mixed feelings about leaving. I’ve missed home, of course, and I’m excited to see everyone, but I am also not ready to leave. I thought that four months would seem like a long time, but it almost feels like it’s not long enough.

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly how time has passed here, discussing it with my various international friends. They agree with me that time has passed in a strange way. On one hand, it seems like a million years ago that we were sitting around in our temporary housing at Agherton Village, freezing cold and clueless about most everything from ordering Chinese food to going to the movie theater– excuse me, cinema. On the other hand, that feels like it was yesterday.

My lovely friends Abbi, Kathryne, and Mackenzie reading a map in Belfast– “We were such babies then!” says sentimental Kathryn.

Perhaps what’s made time pass oddly is that I feel like I’ve undergone a transformation here. I don’t want to say I’ve changed completely, but I do feel different. What’s happened is that I’ve become more myself, settling comfortably into even the parts of myself that I don’t like. I had to do it, because when I first got here, I was the only person I knew. I was hanging out with me a lot. For the first time, I really had to deal with myself apart from anything and anyone I’d ever known. It was scary, but it was also liberating. I was free of expectations and preconceived notions, and I could be myself in any way I chose.

It’s possible that a reason I haven’t been blogging much is because a lot of this experience, for me, has been internal. I work under the assumption that people want to read about the wonderful place that is Northern Ireland more than they want to hear about my feelings. And don’t worry, I’ll try to be brief about expressing them here. But everything I have experienced, I’ve evaluated through that lens.

Let me explain. I had a lot of anxieties about coming here, and this semester has been about slowly peeling away all of those worries and insecurities until I’m left with just myself. I hide behind fear like a mask a lot of the time, letting it cloud how others see me, hiding parts of myself I don’t want others to see. And even though I convince myself that it protects me from getting hurt, it just magnifies anything bad that does happen.

Being here alone meant that I had to take that mask off. I had to stop being afraid. And while I can’t say I was always successful, I can say that I believe I got better at it. As a result, I started to feel more confident and secure in myself– maybe more than I’ve ever felt before. I honestly believe this is the most important thing I’m going to take home with me. That, and a few more books than I had before (oops).

Now, here are some pretty pictures of what I’ve been doing in recent weeks:

Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, take two! This time, the weather was much nicer, the crossing was much smoother, and we got to go all the way to the top of the island to take pictures.

Saw some cows on the beach, no big deal

Lovely (but cold!) evening at the beach with friends. Yep, I’m wearing a towel as an extra layer. Sometimes you have to improvise!

Finally visited the Giant’s Causeway! And apparently became a giant.

I want to apologize for not keeping up with this blog so regularly over the course of the semester, but I also know that I apologize way too much. Instead, I’ll just say that another thing I’ve learned this semester is that I’m hopeless at blogging on any regular basis. Please know that I hope to continue blogging this summer and reflecting on my experience, so don’t give up on me just yet!